Our Own Modern Goodbye

I’ve spent the last three days binge watching Modern Love. To my understanding it’s a series of different stories that showcases different types of love in this day and age. I’m binging this in Hawaii, as I’m on my last trip with my boyfriend of what seems like half my lifetime.

I know it sounds crazy and unheard of. For the few people I’ve told ahead of time it made no sense. To prolong a break up for months only to spend those months traveling together. To go on a trip only to break up when it’s over. You see, we agreed to break up back in July, it is now October. Most people would rather break up and be done with it. I think one friend said it should be like ripping off a band-aid, quick and easy. Well I’ve always preferred a slow burn anyways.

If you think about it, doing it this way is just perfectly on point with who I am as a person. I like things to be planned and I like to be ready for what’s coming ahead. In most cases and for sure in my past, sometimes a break up happens and you’re not prepared for it. It ends and you think of all the things you wanted to say or do with that person, but now you can’t because it’s over. You don’t get to give a proper farewell to the relationship. I also understand that in most cases when you break up with someone it’s usually because there’s no more love there, or nothing to salvage. And I guess that’s also how we differ, because I might be the most in love with him at this point than I have ever been. But thats beside the point. I wanted to do, at least, some of the things I’ve always wanted to do with him before I close this chapter of my life with him, cuz God it’s such a huge chapter. I wanted to be ready. I guess it was my take on our own modern breakup.. a modern goodbye. One on our terms, our way.

To You:
In another timeline we’d be together, and all would be right with the world. I’d still be in LA, with the ring on my finger and we’d be going about our lives moving forward.

Life’s unfair sometimes. Sometimes, more often than not, it doesn’t work out the way we want it to, the way we planned. It’s made me realize and appreciate the value and hard work of a good relationship.

I used to think love was enough. That if you loved someone, it was enough and you could get through anything. But in all reality, that’s not how it always works. Things in the universes have to align perfectly, and the timing has to work with the right situations just for a couple to be able to be together. Unfortunately we weren’t so lucky.

So after 17 years and countless break ups and make ups, here we are, on our last leg. Our ending may suck. It’s actually thee worse. But our story, was truly epic. You are were and will always be my first love. You will have an irreplaceable spot in my heart and life. Back in August I watched you board a plane to LA as I waited for my plane to SF arrive. And it hit me. This is ending soon. And my heart broke in so many pieces.

I understand why this is ending, I don’t agree with it but I get it. I get that our lives are just taking us on different paths that won’t cross in any future, trust me I’ve tried to find the ending in which it does but unfortunately its too far fetched to see such an ending. I’ve spent the last couple days/weeks/months dwelling on the sadness that comes when such a big part of you life is over.

But let me try and attempt to take a break from the sadness to try and focus on the good. And that is you. Back in February I wrote a post called you, thanking you for all you do. There’s not much to add to that, everything I want to thank you for I’ve already said. I can add on to it by explaining how great you’ve been to me the last couple months, how supportive you’ve been through this time. Thank you for quite possibly, spoiling me and ruining my future by being the ideal person to move in with. Thank you for my time in LA, though short and brief it was truly memorable. Thank you for helping me grow up. Thank you for agreeing to this crazy notion of prolonging a break up so I can take the few, but necessary breaks from life traveling and doing things I’ve always imagined I’d do with you. But mostly thank you for always being so strong, even when I don’t want you to. Even when I criticize you for it. Thank you for letting me go, even when I’m begging you not to. Thank you for this journey, no matter how it ends.

I don’t think I’m ready to start a life without you. I’ve always said that I can’t imagine my life without you in it, boyfriend or not and that’s probably the worse of all of this, losing you as a friend. I thought if I knew when this was ending, if I saw the end date, I could prepare myself. I could be ready. But nothing could ever prepare me for letting go of you, letting go of us. Through it all I wouldn’t do anything different and I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and I’ll hold on to that thought on the days where all I wanna do is call you and hear your voice. I look forward to the day where we’re back to laughing and enjoying each other’s company. Until then, take care of yourself and remember to be good to yourself first and foremost.