moments

It’s been a minute I know. To be fair I wish I had the time to go back to just blogging about regular things.

I’ve always been a firm believer that there are specific pivotal moments that change the course of your life. September 18, 2009 around 4pm has been the biggest moment of my life thus far and now I can add another to the list.

On March 1st at around 7:30am, I got a text from my brother that would forever change the rest of my life. “Mom’s going to the emergency. you talk to her?” I panicked. I dropped everything I was doing and called her. Her coworker picked up the phone, and all I can remember was hearing “possible stroke.” I got off the phone booked the next available flight, called my boss and let him know. I sat anxiously waiting for my 11am flight, letting my mind think the worse, hearing things relayed from other family members. It was torture and hell not being able to do anything or get there any faster.

Since then it’s been a crazy couple of weeks. For the most part I’ve pretty much lived in the hospital. As I write this I’m in the hospital. it’s been exhausting. It’s an experience I never thought I’d go through none the less this early in life.

My mom suffered from a hemmorrahagic stroke, which equates to a bleed in the brain. This has left her paralyzed on her whole left side, among other side effects. It’s been a long a road that seems to have no end in sight. It’s been tough for me, a naturally negative person who always thinks the worse, to sit here and be positive about everything. To be honest, if I gave into my negative ways I don’t think I would have lasted this long. To see the worst outcome in this particular situation was unimaginable, unbearable, and unacceptable. I had to remind myself that despite her deficits I’m fortunate to still have her here and that’s the most important thing.

For the first couple days or even weeks I kept thinking about the last time I saw my mom. It was almost a month ago and she was dropping me off at the airport. I’d immediately have to hold back tears because in all honesty I don’t know if I’ll ever see her driving again. Watching her the last couple weeks, struggling, doing rehab has been tough. It’s crazy all the little basic things we do everyday that she now struggles with. It’s really heartbreaking to see this woman who was so active and independent struggle to do even the easiest tasks.

My mom is constantly telling those who visit her, “I never thought this would happen to me.” The stroke was caused by high blood pressure, something she was never diagnosed with or was taking medication for. It’s situations such as these that make you really realize how valuable our life is. How the future isn’t promised, and how serious we need to really take care of ourselves. Hold your loved ones extra tight everyday because you really just don’t know where life will take you.

For the last year, from the moment I made the decision to move, I have felt so lost in life. I have been a planner my whole life, and it felt like nothing in life was planned. Finally after 6 months of being away from home, I was just settling into getting used to being away from the Bay, and adjusting to life in Southern California. But God has other plans for me. I still don’t know where my life is going, even more so than before, but I know where I have to be.

As my mom has said, “It’s your turn to take care of me.” I can’t promise you that I’ll be able to take care of you the way you have done for me but I’ll be damn sure to try my best..