falling behind – unrush yourself

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted anything. Recently I’ve been in my own bubble, at home with my mom a lot helping her out and what not. I thought about this post I wrote on my tumblr. It was right after my auntie had passed, and I had been returning to SoCal from the Bay after celebrating Thanksgiving.

Growing up sucks. And not in the sense everyone says. Not the part of working and going through the same monotonous routine day after day.

What I mean is that I feel so behind. I’ve never ever felt the need to rush my life. I still don’t. But seeing everyone around me moving forward, having families. It’s hard not to feel left out. It’s hard not resent your life choice, or even question them.

I don’t feel like I need a baby. I never felt the need to start a family. I’m not that kind of girl. But awkwardly sitting there as my new mom friends talk about breast feeding or giving birth as I pour shots is just a clear indication as to where I am in life. Or is it? I don’t know.

Then you get to the aspect of I’ve experienced so many deaths. I guess that comes with a big family. And I’m sure in comparison to some I might be lucky. Maybe I haven’t even experienced the worse of it. But when you’re the second youngest girl in a family of 22 cousins, and everyone around is having babies. It’s hard not to feel bitter that the ones who have already left us won’t be here to see me have children, or get married, should I choose that route.

On a weekend where you’re supposed to be grateful and thankful, I’ve just become bitter and angry. And I wish I wasn’t like this. I wish this wasn’t how I deal with grief. Truth is how I don’t know how to deal any other way. And honestly, I don’t know what I want in life. There’s always that part that people are saying to me “you’ll regret not having a kid” or “you’re just saying you don’t want a kid” I’ve always been pretty up front about my feelings in regards to children. I’ve never seen myself wanting a family. I’ve never seen a baby and thought I want one of those! And don’t get me started on the pregnancy part. The whole thing just sounds terrible.

I miss her. This is a horrible thing to say, but I didn’t think this would hit me so hard. I don’t know if its because I’m away from my family, I actually think that helps me or delays my grieving who knows. I’ve never been super close to her. Yes, we were neighbors my whole life but as I said before, she was always in the background. She wasn’t always in my face. And maybe that’s why I’m sad or upset. That I never got to form a bond with her. But I miss her. Little things remind me of her. Seeing the Christmas tree decorated breaks my heart. She loved the holidays. She loved to decorate. Having the family together, even though she wasn’t ever in the spotlight feels somehow different without her.

I feel empty. I feel mad. But most of all I feel sad. I miss my dad I miss her and her.

When I was in high school I said by the time I was 28 I’d have at least one kid, and by 32 probably at least have had two.

I’m 32 and nowhere near that timeline. I’m lost and confused. I’m 32 with nothing to show for it.

It’s crazy how so much has changed since I wrote that. So much but so little. I’m still in a similar spot in the sense that I have no idea what I’m doing with my life.

A year ago, I was saying my goodbyes to friends, interviewing for jobs, getting ready to sign my first lease with my boyfriend, and beginning to pack my things for my big move to SoCal. If you had asked me then where I thought I’d be in a year, I would have said hopefully engaged and getting ready to start another life. I would have never imagined I’d be where I am today.

It’s frustrating to feel like I am so far from where I wanted to be. I am actually further from that dream than I have ever felt before. I have spent the last week anxious, tired, irritable and frustrated with my life. Then on Sunday, I saw this quote on instagram

Sometimes I get so caught up on how I envisioned my life. I get so caught up in where I think I should be in life, I often forget God has a plan for every one of us. I get so scared because my path seems to be so different from everyone else’s. From all of my friends and family. From “the norm” –  the get married have kids all by a certain age kind of plan. As a woman, I feel like my internal time clock is ticking away if I want to go with that plan. I feel that slipping from my fingers.

I guess I just have to constantly remind myself that there is a reason to everything. I guess I just have to have faith that God has a plan for me, even if it doesn’t line up with my own plans. I have to slow down and take my life for what it is in this moment and not rush to the finish line.