end like this

April 22, 2021

my life, recent

Its been a weird 24 hours. A very familiar 24 hours yet completely unfamiliar. some people have asked me whats causing you to feel the way you do. I wish I knew. I wish I could explain every thought I have going through me, from anger, to sadness, to feelings of failure, and even maybe relief, okay thats a lie I’m not there. I don’t know if its the act of moving on that upsets me really. I’m sure thats part of it. But I think a big part is my ego and another big part is really closing the book that is us. Letting go of the dream of me and you. For sure closing the book and putting it away maybe even giving the book away. Because even though I knew the ending, even though I know the book was over I think I just kept it on my night stand. Even though I was done reading it and thats not to say I still hoped for us. Its just to say that its hard to move on from a dream you’ve worked towards for almost half your life. Because that’s what we were, a goal of mine, a dream, a happily ever after. And in one moment in my restless night last night, I thought to myself, “I wish didnt put so much effort into our relationship.” But that’s wrong because at least I can say I did everything possible to make us work. I did my part. I gave my everything and I fell short. Saying that still hurts. Admitting failures still hurts. And that’s another thing. I just feel like i’m failing in life. I feel like I’m not moving forward. And seeing you move forward, moving forward without me. Everything hurts. Everything sucks.

Then there’s the ego of it. The way you spoke to me the last couple months. Even though I asked you not to, even though I never responded. You had no right. I had no right. I had no place in believing in us again. But I hope you take your part in that. I hope you own up to that. but for now it is what it is. I recently found this musician and I threw him up on spotify as I free wrote this. and here’s the first song of his I didn’t know. “I never thought it would end like this, I never thought it’d be where our story goes. I never thought it would end like this, but you turned the pages and now we’re just stangers.” Honestly couldn’t have put it in better words. Music, am I right?

I’m sure i’ll survive but for now. This is how it is. This is how I feel. And I’m trying to accept it and let it go .

reeshhelle Administrator

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