drowning.

I’m often saying to myself these days,
“I can’t do this”
What can’t I do?
Everything it seems.
You know when you’re trying not to drown?
That feeling of the water pulling you under
you gasping for air trying to stay up.
That’s probably the best way to describe how I feel these days.
No lie, sometimes I wish the water would just take me.
How easy it would be to not be alive.
To not have to deal with this constant dread of another day
another day, another fight
yelling words that go in one ear and right out the other.
full of “okay” and “I’m sorry”
that really just mean
“stop talking I get it”
another day of trying not to drown
trying to keep the head above the water
while maintaining this facade of
“I’m fine, it’s fine, we’re fine”
Guess what.
I am not fine.
I am not okay
and it will probably not be fine.
For someone who likes to solve problems and puzzles
this one seems like a problem with no right answer,
no easy fit
and there is no winning.

This is not a call for help. This isn’t written to garner pity. I’m very aware everyone is going through their own shit. No one’s is harder than the next person. It was just something I needed to let out.