darkness
These days, I feel like it’s pretty easy to make me cry. It’s not something that comes easily to me, crying. There are certain things in life that will make me tear at most, and very few things that will make me ball like a baby. But these days are different.
Life has been a bunch of nothing and everything at the same time. As easy it may sound to not work and spend all day taking care of my mom it’s really not as simple as it seems. If you know me, like really know me, you know I’m pretty shy. I hate bringing any form of attention to myself, and I don’t like compliments, I don’t even know how to react to compliments. So when someone compliments me or tells me “I can’t even imagine how hard it is for you, I commend you” or “I’m so proud of you.” For whatever reason, I just start to tear.
Truth is, it is very hard. It is probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do in my life. I’ve never been the nurturing type. I never saw myself as a parent. Everyone who knows me has heard me say I don’t want kids. I don’t have one maternal instinct in me. So taking care of a grown ass woman, who birthed me and took care of me up until 2 years ago is not only a huge role reversal but extremely difficult for an impatient, short tempered girl such as myself.
I have had extremely dark days in the past three months. I have had thoughts I never thought I would ever have. More often than not I have days where I just feel like there is nothing to live for in my life. When I moved back home, I made the choice to be here for my family and though I don’t regret it one bit, it’s hard not to think about everything I’ve given up to be here. And in those dark moments sometimes that’s all I can focus on.
I like to write my blogs and make them positive and upbeat and have a point to them. I’ve actually rewritten this blog time and time again because I have yet to find any of those things. Theres no nice moral to the story. There’s no purpose to write this other than to just write it and update the interweb and all five of you who reads this of my sad boring life.
At the end of the day, I’d like to think there’s a reason for all of this. That this experience will make me a stronger person. Right now it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. The days just keep leading me through darkness. I don’t know how to make myself feel better. I don’t know what will make me happy or what will make my life have meaning again. I feel like there is no winning in life these days. But I’ll just keep trucking along, impatiently waiting for that light.
