broken as f*ck yet lowkey happy
I had a passionate conversation this morning, mainly with myself, about the show Insecure to my best friend who knows nothing of this series other than what I tell him. I love this show. I thought this season started kinda slow, but episodes like last night remind me why I watch it. How the series displays different types of relationships in Issa’s life is so relatable, and honest, and just fucking real. Nothing is ever sugar coated. Issa Rae is messy AF. But it’s honest and reflects real life.
In last night’s episode in which she reconnect with her ex boyfriend, the same boyfriend who she started the series with just had me feeling all types of feelings. Before last night, one of my favorite episodes was the second season’s finale in which Issa and Lawerence meet at their old apartment and have this conversation about their relationship, that just felt so raw and real, and again relatable. It was the most honest and truest conversation I’ve seen on TV regarding a break up. It absolutely tore me up inside. It was amazing, and true and it broke me.
And I think maybe I love this relationship so much because we all can relate a little. I know I can. We all have that first love, or relationship where you might have lost yourself, and even though you love this person so unconditionally, you know it’s not right, whether its not right now, or not ever. There’s that love that remains, even when the relationship is over.
Last night’s epsiode, displayed the same two characters meeting over dinner, discussing what went wrong in their relationship, and showing us what was so right, and what’s better now that they’ve both grown individually throughout the series. It had me grinning the whole episode like a fool. Like these two people were my best friends or something. I just felt genuinely happy for them and excited. Now, I’m not saying they should be together, I’m not sure they should be but that’s a whole other post. It was just nice to see two people who once meant so much to each other come together and still be them, despite all the changes that has happened in their lives. Despite the fact they they’ve both changed and grown.
Not going to lie, the episode gave me hope. It’s a little odd to explain how I feel. To be honest, while the show gave me hope, it also reminded me how broken I am. It’s a feeling I’ve been trying to avoid, but it’s very much the truth. My last relationship left me broken. Not to say I’ll never be okay, I’m sure one day I will be. In the last five years, I focused on this relationship, it’s the one thing I worked the hardest for, to move it forward. And here I am, five years later, back at home and where I started. And it kills me. It’s left me feeling some type of way when it comes to even the thought of moving on. It’s hard to even imagine ever being in another relationship honestly. I spent so much time and effort into this one, it’s almost like what’s the point?
But last night gave me hope. Not that my ex and I will one day have our time, but that maybe one day I’ll dig myself out of this rut and be happy with who I am, or at least have a direction as to where I’m going. And maybe when that day comes I’ll finally be able to see myself with someone else, or maybe not. Who knows.
