65.

Today my father would have been 65. 6-5. That’s crazy to me. It’s been 12 years since I’ve celebrated a birthday with him. I did my 100th ride for him this morning. I was at 97 rides and for whatever reason was determined to hit my century today. For him, for me, for us. Then I scoured my old hard drives to find a picture of us that I haven’t posted and got sad that I’m slowly running out of pictures of us. The main theme of my life the past couple of years as been to relish in the time given to you because you just never know what will happen in life. As I looked through a folder of pictures from his 50th birthday I realized there was not a single picture of just me and him. I was too busy partying with friends (and it was one hell of a party) and while I’m sure I had a great time, it makes me sad to think it was one of the lasts I had with him and I didn’t even know it. But I guess that’s the point right? You never really know.

There are two days out of the year I really either shut down or look at my life, his birthday and his anniversary. I always look at where I am in life and ask myself would he be proud of the life I’m living?

I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching recently, a lot of reflection, A LOT of working on myself. If the first theme to my life the past couple of years has been time, the second has been feeling stuck. And while I feel like I’m finally in a place where I can move forward there are days that just take me right back to that feeling. It’s definitely a work in progress for sure.

I’m not where I thought I’d be in life. If you were to ask younger me where I would be in 2021, she’d probably say the normal. A good career that’s taking off, and hopefully married. When I was younger I was taught these are the things you base a successful life from. Having a career, and a family of your own. Well I don’t have either of those things, and I’m not even close. I’ve spent a lot of time really being hard on myself about that. But even with all the sadness and anxiety of those last couple sentences, I have no regrets. Everything I did, I did for my mom, for my family. I don’t even question if it was the right decision because I know there was no other choice. And for that I like to think my dad would be proud of me.

I know I’m not perfect, there are days where I’m the absolute worse, but I hope I’m doing you somewhat proud up there. Missing and loving you always..